She
by Dark Lady Relena
Summary: Two Degrassi characters' musings on their relationship from the start to current. FemaleFemale be warned. Now up to date with series spoilers from part four on.
1. Part One

She Summary: A certain Degrassi couple and their musings of each other. Not your typical pairing. Rated PG 13 for the type of pairing.  
I can't believe that she could sleep so easily there. Being next to her like this kills me inside there is so much I want to do with her, to tell her, and to hear her words caress my ear. She'd probably go on with stupid stories about her and her dumb boyfriend. How he just bought her the perfect anniversary gift. Maybe the biggest reason I can't stand him is the way she talks of him and those gifts he gets her. Have I ever heard her speak of anything I've given her the same way? No all I get is this smile from her and a thank you. As much as it hurts maybe I have brought this all on myself.  
I never complained much until sophomore year when I just couldn't hold it in any more. Her boyfriend at the time and her were on the rocks. But still I had to hold it all back from her. Other things were going on for both of us. I think I discovered that there were other people in the world than her. But some how I couldn't keep myself far from her.  
By the end of the school year I was back to her. Then he had to go make everything screwy again. She was never the same after the whole incident. People she cared about left town and that made her fall in on herself even more. Someone at Degrassi saw her weakness and decided to play that up on her. And I could hate him for everything he did to her. I knew she was a good person but she was hurting. But even through all that she still didn't notice me. I had to move on again I found myself a temporary fill in for the space she left in my heart after that but it just couldn't work I wasn't in love with him. He thought that it had to do with someone else but how could I tell him that it wasn't about my ex but my best friend? That it was about what he could never be in his life?  
Last year I went through my whole drama we were friends again and things seemed to be perfect again till dumb boyfriend came into the picture. He wronged me and she couldn't keep away from him even if to save her own life. I felt hurt I really did. I could sense something was up even before she confessed the transgression to me. That's why I was happy for a while that she gave me so much attention that the two of us had a secret.  
Our lips were sealed with our secret. And for a while things were perfect we only had each other. A small bit of my fantasy had come true. But then I broke and saw that this secret was killing her. I couldn't be selfish and let my own wants and desires come before her health. I came out with her secret to her parents. It made things awkward in our bed for a while after she came back home. But still it was better with her back and healthy. It made up for the lonely feelings I had felt while in bed alone. I'm not sure if I could ever sleep alone with out her any more. A part of me wants to tell her what my boyfriend wants from me. He wants a solid commitment from me when he gets back from U.S.A but how can I do that when I don't love him, when I'm using him to cover up my feelings from the person in bed right besides me? She stirs a little and her hand some how so gently inadvertently caresses across my skin. A slight sensual sensation creeps up and down my spine. My boyfriend tries to do the same for me. I mean he keeps on trying with all his might when he visits but somehow I can't fake it much any more. I hope he doesn't figure out that I'm lying through my teeth now about how his touches affect me.  
I hope she doesn't figure out what she does to me above all else. That I love her and want her, that I want to be with her above all other people in the world, that I want her to dump her boyfriend and give me attention already. But I know she loves him too much it's apparent.  
We have class in less than four hours I need some sleep desperately. As I begin to fall into the darkness of sleep I think my last thought of the night. I love you Emma Nelson. Next Chapter: Emma's thoughts. AN: I know that this isn't a cannon couple at all but I love it all the same and it can work. And I don't mean for this to be any thing dirty just to get male attention. It's about love people. Depending upon reviews I can make this more than just a two chapter thing. 


	2. Part Two

**She Part Two**

**Summary:** Same as before.

**AN:** Again if you don't support the coupling and are going to be a butt about it up front don't read the fiction if you are willing to give a new pairing a try this is a fic for you.

I hear soft and delicate sighs from the figure next to me. She's been like this for a while now and I can't seem to figure out why. Maybe her boyfriend did something. I don't know whenever I ask her about them she becomes really quite and distant these days. It's the same way whenever she sees me with my boyfriend.

Not having him around could be the reason but I somehow don't think this is the case anymore. Something else is up. Ever since I can remember I've been able to easily read her mind. Unknown to her and probably the world she's the one person who makes me truly happy. I mean I know my boyfriend is trying his best that's why I over play everything.

He gives me gifts all the time like two days ago he gave me our eight-month anniversary gift. It was a donation to Green Peace worth a hundred fifty dollars. Most boyfriends would think to give their girlfriends expensive gifts like jewelry and odd trinkets of their affection. But he knew that the donation was worth more than anything. I know her boyfriend gets her little bracelets, necklaces, and rings all the time.

My mind wants to go back before we even discovered the meaning of the words boy and boyfriend. I miss the golden days when she and I were just us. From the start the two of us were inseparable. During story time or naptime in school it would take the teachers and faculty easily ten minutes to get us apart. The two of us sometimes even then quietly made our way to the other's mat and cuddled up to each other.

Years later I discovered the Internet and started a hap hazardous relationship with it. She protested the whole way but me being well stupid me failed to realize her wisdom and mistook her advice and urgings as her being jealous and trying to hold me back. A part of me actually wished this to be the case I think. I wanted her to tell me not to see him but not because it was dangerous to me but because she simply didn't want to see me with any one else.

He then came into my life. The first time we saw each other my heart fluttered it was strange I mean the only other person I had felt this for was her. Feeling these emotions for someone that wasn't her scared me. Subconsciously the whole time I kept on hoping that either one of us would mess up and give me reason to not feel what I felt any more. I wanted the chaotic feelings and mixed feelings to stop. He pushed me and in that small act I found an exit from those emotions.

With him out of the way for a while I hoped I could go back to loving only her the way she deserved to be loved. And for awhile things really were back to normal or as normal as they could be when I still hurt a bit from all the drama I experienced with him. But she seemed to want to push me away from her then. She invited him back into my life and I accepted it. All her protesting to me hurt. Why was she pushing me back to him and all those conflicting feelings?

I don't know why but I figured that it was worth a second try. I was still hurting, hating yet loving her all the while for what she had done. But I was able to hide the things I felt for her with him. I some how forced my mind to put every single emotion and feeling I felt for her into him.

He and I kept up at our romance tango. Every once in a while we experienced a bump. Once was when my parents insisted on meeting him formally. The dinner it seemed was disastrous. Maybe I was to blame partially for not making it go any smoother. I found him drunk at a party later He told me he'd never be any good but I had already invested too much into trying to put her behind me that I convinced him and myself that things would work out alright.

Later that year we kept at it. We seemed to be a perfect couple. Hell we even won a cute couples contest at the mall over the summer. It felt good for awhile being a perfect couple, lying to myself that if this was true it meant that my feelings for her had disappeared and that I could move on with my life and forget what she meant to me.

Boy was I wrong. We came back to school for our sophomore year and things went downhill drastically, I found my real father and he was insane. My adopted father was diagnosed with cancer of all things and things were getting rocky between my boyfriend and myself. He and I kept on finding problems and more problems. And he couldn't handle not being a top priority in my life.

She changed too; suddenly she wasn't content enough with just being with me. It hurt me so badly knowing that I wasn't able to make her truly happy and that I had been holding her back from truly being happy and beautiful both on the inside and outside. But what hurt the most was that she looked to guys for fulfillment and happiness. I could never give her that even if I tried.

The pain was just too much the two of us had a rocky friendship for the longest time. This time it was my turn to be truly jealous of others talking to her. But things seemed to look up the next year when she and I began talking again. It was refreshing we were both two new people but we were also at the core the same people. And she was still the lovely girl I had fallen in love with over the years.

But then I went through something that most people wouldn't think to handle alone. But I figured being seen as a strong girl and independent to a fault I couldn't let others especially not her see the pain I was carrying. For a short while I was able to hold it in and let others believe that I was okay. Well obviously I hadn't overcome anything from the incident because a boy took advantage of my weakness.

I remember her now confronting me about that. It was horrible seeing her look at me like that. She was mad and upset with me I know but there was something else like it pained her to know I didn't open up to her and let her in on what really was going on. That I hadn't asked her of all people for help in this situation, not like I would have thought of putting this all on her though. I'd never become a burden to her.

The two of us bonded again. We found strength in each other that time around instead of pulling apart from one another. This time it was easier we both had been branded school sluts for our nefarious misdeeds. That summer though was magical nothing was making our friendship bumpy. This time I hoped it would be different. I was about ready to tell her exactly how I felt.

But this one day we were at the pool the two of us stood staring at a bunch of random guys in the water. I saw him and I became semi numb. It wasn't nearly half the same numbness that I felt when I saw either her or my ex but it was enough for my hormones to get the best of me as I decided to push through with him. But because of his transgression and negative acts she wound up living with me. I felt a bit guilty for this all happening. He had finally made my biggest wish of sharing a bed with her night after night come true. But it came with the price of loosing her family and some of her self-respect. Things wound up going down hill from there and quickly. He messed up big time with her and the two seemed to be mortal enemies. I could feel jealousy coming from both parties. Each wanted to be the center of my life. It just became too much. I couldn't make either her or him happy. So I found a cheap way out.

Our secret was something that made her happy and brought us closer together in that special way. The happiness that radiated off her was enthralling. If I had more energy myself I think I would have come close to admitting all this to her. But I never got that opportunity. She cared too much for me and wound up telling mom and dad what was going on. They sent me to the hospital and I wound up in a rehab type center.

Those nights were extremely lonely. I had become used to sharing a bed with her and enjoying it as much as I could without sending her a wrong message.

I feel tremble for a minute remembering just how lonely the bed in the hospital was without her. Suddenly for a brief moment I can't control it any longer. I need to feel her to know she's still their breathing and living. I let my fingertips gently glide themselves across her delicate skin. Her body vibrates from the touch. It's oh so tantalizing with her being this close yet I can't truly tell her what I feel.

I wind up falling asleep softly barely whispering out loud, "Manny Santos I love you."

**AN:** Depending upon reviews I might make an actual story based upon this concept. Again coupling strange to most but if you open yourself up you might discover a good new thing.


	3. Part Three

_**She Part Three**_

_All former disclaimers apply as well as rating._

Why had he come back? I asked myself lying next to her the next night. Yeah her ex had come back from where ever the hell he was before. Now she was even more confused and angst ridden than she had been before. If she started with her anorexia crap again those two would suffer God help me.

"He's back," she sighs softly as the two of us pull the sheets up close to our noses. The lights are off by now though and I'm blessing allah or whomever's up there that's the case. If the lights were on she'd see right past everything and see my burning rage and desire ablaze.

"Yeah, are you really okay with that? I mean you have Peter and all," I almost wanted to ask her you have me and all, it would have been the best or worst Freudian slip of the century depending on how you looked at it.

"I know but I'm happy all the same. Is that strange? Peter's the best guy ever but-" her unspoken silence just about kills me. Her incomplete thought leaves me open to wanting to answer her with my own contradiction.

"He's not the one you want right?" I fish expertly for something that fills the gap. Something that doesn't give me away, I can feel her eyes drift off to the secret escape. My eyes drift to that point to. Its strange but that little portal represents to me something for a brief second more than what she thinks probably.

"I don't know Manny, I don't know what I want suddenly and it scares me. I mean you and Craig there's something strong," she looks up to Craig and me? What is she thinking? I'm drifting further and further from him and he's seeking solace from Ellie, the intelligent girl he left behind. Some how with her I never feel dumb. As smart as she is she never makes me feel stupid any more.

"Um, yeah Craig and I are perfect aren't we?" I guess my acting really has gotten better I almost fool myself at that line. Maybe I've become such a great actress because of her. Having to act like I don't love her is the best job I've ever taken on. It's also the hardest job.

"Yeah. Like the movies perfect. How do you two do it?" Damn, she wants advice? How can I tell her that I act it out now? I think of myself with Craig as a character in a movie, the sexy girlfriend.

"Hard work. We talk all the time, we spice things up in private," the lies just keep on coming through my teeth. The part of the content happy girlfriend is in full affect. Eat your hearts out Ebert and his compadre of the week.

"Does he make you feel just down right beautiful and appreciated?" Her question is strange I've never heard her ask this before. I just hope she's not considering the stupid diets and exercise routines again.

"Yeah its' alright to be just myself," I lie some more. The lies are all that come out to her when in truth I want to be truthful to her above anyone else. To her I want to bear my soul and existence to her I want to become one with. A big part of me is telling me I'm foolish for causing all this inner turmoil and angst. I mean the two of us have shared a bed now together for nearly a year now.

"Sometimes with Peter it's just that he feels that he has to buy me over you know? And that I have to buy his love and care in turn," she whispers. It's like she doesn't want to admit it that there's trouble in paradise with her and Peter. Damn, Emma, you know if I were with you I'd never make you feel like that. I want to shake her out of this funk she's feeling but by doing that I'd tell her more than she should and probably wants to know.

"Well um you shouldn't have to feel like that Emma, talk to him tell him this I'm sure he'll understand," wait what am I saying? As usual the good old best friend speech. Damn it to hell for being the best friend I think.

"Talking that's all that Sean and I ever did. Did it really solve anything?" She questions me as if I know the answer. Well I do know the answer but I don't want to say it out loud and acknowledge it. Yeah she and Sean actually solved things by talking them out. Why can't I just talk this out with her? Should I talk it out with her?

"But Sean's back in town Emma," I sigh to her getting slowly back the part of good best friend. The friend that pushes another friend towards what will truly make her happiest.

"He is but well I know we'll always have chemistry and we could be a good couple. Do I want us to be that couple again? I mean we were the 'perfect couple' that was such a pain in the ass," she is letting her fingers roam free on the sheets one of them accidentally brushes my own fingers and well I don't think I could hold it in much longer.

Suddenly my fingers are reaching out for hers as well. Begging for them to be in my own. Suddenly my body is trying to push itself against her form. Most alarming though suddenly my lips are pressed against her sweet tasting pair. I inhale her scent into my nostrils and they flare up in agreement with the smell.

"Manny-" she softly sighs into my mouth. Her lips are responding in the favorable fashion, giving me the go ahead to explore the rest of her. My hands begin to run themselves down her back bone and vertebrae.

Her soft pleasant moans are serenading me to do more and to set the pace. Everything's perfect and sweet. She's sweet.

"MANNY?" Someone calls to me harshly. Suddenly I snap out of it. A tear almost comes to my eyes as I realize the last few moments were just my imagination. I guess that's the only place were she and I can be happy together.

**_AN NOTES:_** As usual if you don't like the coupling don't care to comment. If you like the coupling congratulations! You have just explored something new and exciting, something definitely not Degrassi norm. I will continue depending on the events in future episodes and if I get inspiration. Adieu.


	4. Part Four

_**She Part Four**_

_All former disclaimers and rating apply…. In addition to spoiler warnings for newest episodes._

He's dead I can't believe it but he's dead. The hole in my heart's growing. As I look at the clothes on my bed I can't help but cry inside more. Why had it happened? It was senseless everything about it had been senseless. I was so afraid of knowing who did it to him. She was crying too.

Coming back from the hospital Sean and I had to hold her so tightly. The two of them had dated even for a brief time they had a connection. Poor Liberty, she didn't shed a tear at the hospital but that was the biggest lie she had ever held on to I knew Liberty better than probably half the student population.

Liberty and I had known each other almost longer than I had known her. When we were kids Liberty and I would be talking about the word of the day while she went to look at the older girls' clothes from afar. Everything then really had been much simpler. JT was still alive and breathing.

He wasn't just some corpse now on view. Oh God JT's grandmother it was hard telling Mrs. Yorke her grandson was dead. Poor woman her son and wife had died in a car crash, her husband died from old age, and now her only grandson was gone. It was one thing to plan your parent's funeral but it was something else to have to bury your grandson.

Mom and Snake both had a punishment for her and me when we got home but it wasn't the punishment that had us sobbing on the floor. Looking at her I wanted to cradle her in my arms. Tell her everything was going to be alright that this was some stupid dream, some strange allusion we'd wake up in the morning from.

But that wasn't the case, I couldn't even remember the last time we'd been to a funeral for anyone least of all one of our own friends. It wasn't supposed to be like this. Rick's death had been something of an eye opener.

I had learned life was short and precious that I wanted to live mine fully in the end and not fear death. I had lived by that until now, now I was terrified of death again. He wouldn't want me to live like this but he wasn't here to tell me what he really wanted right? JT just come back tell us that this is some stupid joke. I cry to myself trying to find some acceptable and suitable outfit to wear for the funeral.

Was she crying right now like I was? Back at the hospital she'd been holding back on me about something. I just wanted a clear answer from her. Right now though for the moment I had to focus on this outfit thing. JT had mentioned that I always looked pretty in plaid, my fingers ran across suddenly the plaid and denimin skirt he had sewn for all of us girls way back when.

When he gave her own skirt she was so full of life and purity. Her happy smile radiated the room and JT was thrilled to see someone so grateful for a creation of his. He would have made an amazing father, if not to Mia's daughter to the family him and Liberty would have started if the two got back on track as he seemed determined to do back at her party.

I can feel a tear trickle down my cheek. It stains a few of my sheets. Where is she when I need her? I need her to hold me just as much as I want to hold her in turn. I hear footsteps come down the steps of my room. Looking up it isn't her it is Sean, he's wearing a black suit. Toby and Mrs. Yorke had asked Sean if he would mind being a pallbearer at the funeral. With the entire humbled honor Sean possessed accepted the invitation.

"You okay hun?" he asks coming closer to me. Being firm and stable he takes me into his arms. I can smell his special cologne; it's comforting at the moment. Granted it may not be her he's still special. I can tell we'll make a good family in the future when we plan to start one, I play with the ring he recently bought me as we hug each other.

When it comes to the idea of families I remember as a child JT, Liberty, Manny, and I would play families together after school in day care. JT and Liberty some how always paired themselves up together. I guess even then the two were an item, JT just never understood it. But she and I were thrown together in the same comfort. Both of us took turns who played mommy and daddy in the family.

"That's stupid," Gavin had told us one day "Yeah you can't have two girls!" Paige had chimed in with Spinner her pretend boyfriend. The two had agreed on everything at that point.

"No its' not wrong at all," JT and Liberty stuck up for Manny and myself. God I wish JT was here it was this one moment that I realized I could have used him all these years to tell him about these conflicting emotions. He had been accepting from the very start. I'm crying more as I take this huge trip down memory lane.

"Emma hun snap out of it," Sean begins to shake me violently. He knows I'm remembering the past. I can't lie to him about much except her. My emotions with him are almost always raw. Would he be this accepting of me if he knew I also loved someone else, someone that wasn't Peter, someone that had something he didn't have?

I want to make the rest of my life mean something with both him and her. Is it possible? No I'd have to probably hurt him in the process. But I can't hurt him. I love him over all this time love has brought me something amazing, love that has grown and been tested. Maybe I should just forget about her with all this put her behind me like I'll probably put JT's death in the past with a lot of therapy.

Suddenly on my mix from my laptop a soft sweet song by Darren Hayes comes on called "So Beautiful." My tears aren't going to stop this is one of those songs that just grips me everytime. My skin fills with static. I can't take it any more. I'm going to break down, I think as I begin to sink to the floor and I can feel her close.

I look up to the steps and see her at the top staring with huge eyes down at Sean and me. I feel like I'm betraying her all of a sudden. Wait, is it just my imagination, does she want to comfort me instead? Right now before I break down I'll hold onto that it maybe false hope but its enough for the moment.

_Tell her_. Someone or something says across my ear, a brush of cold air soon accompanies it, but looking around I can't pin point a location in the room where the cold air could have come from. A smile comes to my heart as I silently thank JT for guiding me even now.

My dearest friend JT I will not let you down. I've got to tell her soon. JT you dying has taught me that life is short and that I should tell the people I love that I love them before the moment is gone. Please give me your strength in telling her that.

**_AN:_** I just got done seeing and reading the important parts of Rock This Town and Bitterest Pill. I may not have seen everything but what I did see as of recent inspired this part of She.


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